Best Decision

So, I did not make the goal I had set for myself: 10 blog postings for the month of November.  I was close though and I give myself credit for that.  School is what interrupted me. 

It’s going on my third week and I absolutely love it.  I’m learning a tremendous amount of concepts and skills and I’m taking the information I studied and seeing if it relates to any event that’s happened in my life.  My brain soaks up every bit of detail that way and I understand it fully when I can connect it to an occasion.

I’m averaging an A & B in my two classes as of now and I’m ecstatic.  It’s just an amazing feeling to get graded on my writing – writings where I am giving examples in my own life to show I comprehend the readings.  It’s been three years since I’ve been in school, but I definitely can tell the difference in how depth the assignments are for a Bachelor’s degree as opposed to an Associate’s.  But, I’m doing it and loving it.

I’m experiencing the hard work and dedication again; the constant late nights where I’m completing an assignment or just getting a head start, highlighters running out because I marked up all my papers, where I’m trying to balance work, academic, and social life.  But, I honestly wouldn’t trade it for the world.

This was the best decision I could have ever made for myself.

Thanksgiving 2011

What am I thankful for?

First, the obvious:

The remarkable people in my life; friends, best friends, and family.  They have been there for me through thick and thin; who have been by my side when I needed them the most.  They are in my life for a reason.  I cannot live without them.  It makes me happy to know I talk to them every day and see them as often as I can.  We make memories together; ones that I will always remember.

Secondly, I am thankful for my job.

I may not get paid a lot, but it’s an upgrade from the one I used to have.  I enjoy it.  And, not many people can say that.

But, the one thing I am most grateful for is finally finding medications that decrease my pain.  Okay, so I’m on three different medications and I still have some pain…but, I’m thankful that I can function.  I’m not where I was months ago and last year.  I pray that it stays this way.

It’s allowing me to spend time with my awesome friends and have fun.  It’s allowing me to work more than four hour shifts at my job.  I was diagnosed with this chronic pain syndrome, but I’m making the best of it.

This is where I’m grateful to have the people in my life that I do because they helped me in any way they could with this.  One specific moment that sticks out in my mind is when I thought I could take a thirty minute walk one day.  Well, there was no way I was making it back home.  My best friend was at work, but she called her boyfriend to come get me.  That’s a true friend and I’m thankful every day that I was able to meet her.  You know who you are!!!  She’s my “homie”.  And, I love her.

I’m blessed with people who have a heart of gold and I thank God for sending them my way.  Without them, life wouldn’t be the same.

Deadly

She told me she was never going to die from it.

                As I stood over her grave on that November morning, I couldn’t help but let out a sigh.  “Auntie, you were wrong.”  I hope she was listening.  I hope she knew how much pain I was in.  I wished things turned out differently.  But, she was too stubborn, it was sickening.

                I sat down in the grass.  A light breeze blew through my hair.  “I have to get going soon, but I wanted to visit you for a bit because it’s the twenty-third.  Happy sixty-third birthday.”

                My thoughts went back to a day when we had one of our many disagreements.  I made a quick stop over to her apartment to bring her some groceries.  There was a special at the local supermarket and I figured I’d pick up a few extra items for her.  She lived by herself and did not have a car, so I tried to help her as much I could.

                “Is there by any chance you could do me another favor, Shelly?” Aunt Mary asked.

                I put the last two cans of chili into one of the cabinets and answered, “Well, it depends on what the favor is.”

                Aunt Mary was in her bathrobe, sitting on the sofa, reading a book.  “Could you run by the gas station to buy me a pack of Marlboro’s?”

                I sat down at the kitchen table.  “No.”

                “You don’t have to pay for it.  I have the money.”

                “You know how I feel about it.  I won’t support your habit.  By picking it up for you, I’m supporting it.”  I looked at her to see her expression.

                “Are you going to be like this forever?”

                Without hesitating, I said, “Yes.  And, I’m not apologizing because I shouldn’t be sorry for something I believe in.”

                She let out a big sigh and she rolled her eyes.  That was my cue to be on my way, so I stood up and grabbed my jacket and told her I’d see her over the weekend.

                That memory reminded me of what I did for her a couple days before Christmas last year.  I stopped by her apartment after I got out of work and I told her I had something for her.  I told her to close her eyes and put out her hands.

I placed it in her palms and when she opened her eyes, she asked, “What is this?”

“It’s a Nicotine patch, Aunt Mary.  I want you to try it.”

“Well, I don’t want it.”  She handed it back to me and began walking to the kitchen.

“Why won’t you just try it?  Please, for me.”

“Because I have no intentions on quitting.  Just leave me alone about it.  Thank you, but no thank you.”

“You never once tried to quit.  There’s a first time for everything.  It will be good for you.”

Aunt Mary began putting away dishes.  It was her way of avoiding eye contact with me.  “I’ve been smoking since I was a teenager.  I’m not quitting now.  It’s pointless.”

“Why do you have to be so negative?”  I asked.  I threw the patch on the kitchen table.  “It’s time for you to quit.  Do you want to be on your death bed from chain smoking?”

“I’m not going to die from it.  Trust me.”  She turned to face me.  “I don’t want to argue.  I’m going to smoke.  Just deal with it.”

I realized tears were streaming down my face.  Aunt Mary barely ever went to the doctor’s.  The autopsy showed it was lung cancer.  If only she had quit when I told her too, maybe she would have had a few more years.

I wiped my tears and stood up.  I tried to collect myself before saying my last words.  “I still love you, Auntie.  I will always love and miss you.  I’m sorry that we spent a majority of the time arguing.  I want you to know that.”  I blew her a kiss.

'Tis The Season

The holidays are just around the corner.  Excited aren’t you?

                Well, I am.  I’m surrounded by my loved ones, lots of laughs and smiles, and delicious food to eat until you feel like you are going to burst.  It’s the time of year when you think of everything you are thankful for even though you may think it all year around.  There is just something about the change in the air, the colors of the leaves, frost on windows, and snow on the ground, which changes my whole perspective on things.  But, there are a lot of people who are miserable when holidays arrive.  Maybe they are missing their loved ones; maybe they are miles away from family and friends. 

I’ve lost important people in my life, but I know they are in a better place and they are watching over me.  They are always on my mind and I will never forget them, or forget what it was like when they were around.  Especially around the holidays, I make a trip to the cemetery and wish them a Happy Thanksgiving or a Merry Christmas.

If I were ever away from my family, of course it would get me upset, but I know they are only a phone call away.  Being able to hear their voice makes a hell of a difference if you are unable to see them in person.  One of the greatest technologies also is through the web!  Skype (even though I have not used it yet) has become very popular.  Or, just hook up your camera on your computer and log in together through an instant messaging program.

The holidays are supposed to be filled with fun and laughs.  You should do something that will turn that frown upside down!  Change it up this year!

Hello Writer's Block!

It’s one of those days in which my writer’s block has gotten the best of me. Someone once told me, “You only write when you have something to say.” And, it’s true still! If my emotions are not strong enough, I’m not able to write anything.

Is that a bad thing?

No.

But, I take it personal. It becomes so frustrating! I end up sitting here for hours trying to think of a topic or a story to write about. And, finally at some point, I give it a rest, and get to bed.

Usually my writing happens at night or in the early morning like now: 1:25 A.M. I don’t think I’ve even written a handful of posts that have been written during the day. It’s just a routine I guess. I have this feeling of needing to write; to get something typed onto the screen. But, when it’s time to sit down and focus, it’s like I crash into a brick wall.

This is what happened tonight.

I have this goal of posting frequently. The first month I did all right; posting ten. And, for the last two months, I’ve posted eight.

Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. But, I had a goal when I started this blog; to make it a habit to post something every day, no matter what it was, as long as I was writing. That didn’t work out obviously.

So, tonight, I searched my writing websites for inspiration, searched for something that would spark my imagination. And, I got nothing. I decided to type the first thing that came to mind and from there, my fingers moved rapidly across the keyboard.

I’m sure every writer has had an issue with writer’s block. For me, it hit me more when I was taking my Journalism classes in college. For each assignment that needed to be done in the classroom, I froze. I stared at the screen, my mind racing with thoughts of how to start or what to write about. My professor told me to not think so much and just let it happen.

I guess I should use this advice more frequently!

Friends From the Past

Do you remember the sleepovers you used to have with your best friends when you were younger? Do you remember the days you both would hang out at home because there was nothing else better to do? Do you remember meeting up at the mall to spend hours walking around? Do you remember talking on the phone every day because you were inseparable?

What ever happened to those days?

We grew up.

We moved away from each other.

But, growing up should not mean “growing a part.”

Moving away should not mean automatically losing contact with each other.

I grew up, but I never forgot. I’m still the same person I was back when I was younger: caring, considerate, and a great friend.

Having a new boyfriend should not cause you to be distant toward me. Having a job or going to school should not either. Why are these issues for some? You may have time for other friends, but not me.

I must not be important anymore. Maybe I was never important. How else can it be explained? You obviously did not cherish our friendship the way I did. I’ve tried to keep in contact, but you turned the other cheek. If I’m not worth your time anymore, then you aren’t worth mine. It’s that simple.

Don’t expect to pop in and out of my life at your convenience. It’s not the way it works. Remember that when you want to go missing in action for months at a time.

Friendships & Social Networks

Social networks are like a popularity contest for most. They just want to see how many “friends” and “followers” they can get.

But, for others, it’s a way to keep in contact with the ones who live far away. They share pictures and videos and drop a “happy birthday” line. These things come in handy for most who do not feel comfortable in sending developed pictures in an envelope, those who forget to mail a card, or for those whose phone service is not working to give that person a call.

On a network like Facebook, we all tend to add people we know or add people from our past. We may work with the person or we could have gone to middle school together.

But, we should stop to think about this question: Does this really make us friends?

I think we hope that it would bring us closer together, but a lot of times it does not. Yeah, sure, we comment on someone’s wall or pictures or “like” their statuses, or retweet one of their tweets, but do we take the time out to ask, “Hey! When can we hang out?” Do we take the time out to say, “I’ve been thinking a lot about how we were back in the day…I miss it”?

The truth is; we don’t.

Many are guilty of this also: passing by a “Facebook friend” on the street or at the mall, either we quickly take a detour or we pass by them without acknowledging. We might not do it on purpose, it may happen subconsciously. Some may say it’s easier to chat with a person through the web than it is face-to-face. Why? Don’t lead someone on to make them think you are really friends with them, when you truly aren’t or do not want to. Why keep them on your list of friends? If it’s just to be nosey on what’s going on in their lives, how immature. Do yourself and everyone a favor; delete them from your list.